An existential afternoon

The wind annoyingly blows against my face as I walk up the street. My eyes barely see ahead. It seems like the whole world is shouting against my mere being.

Existing, I think. That’s what this is. Just plain bare existence.

But what even is it? Existing. What is it? Like what even for? At least tell me what I’m supposed to do with it?

It’s like I wished there was some simple antidote to existence other than the absence of existing. You know, maybe a coffee, maybe a cigarette? Maybe both at once. Maybe both while sitting at some cute café looking out to the city streets. I don’t know, that’s what seemed rational at the moment. Who would argue against the sense of comfort one feels sitting amongst tabaco smoke and fresh coffee?

I took a seat outside to where the waiter was set out to bring the coffee. I look around, my cute café had a few other buyers siting around, and it seemed like they came for similar reasons, it’s like I imagined each one repeating to themselves, just as they raised their coffees to their lips, “Oh, life what’s the point of you?” Though I didn’t ask any of them if that was the case. Maybe I should have, but I didn’t, I got carried away with my own thoughts.

I look out to the street where I can see some sort of life. I can see children running home from school, a young couple in love, a mother pushing her young child. I see faces. Happy faces. Faces with smiles. I see busyness. People going places like they had something to go to. Something that mattered that much to rush too. You never know, maybe they are going to change the world?

Then of course there are the people with plugged up ears, probably listening to something important, right? Oh, here’s the waiter. He’s coming towards me smiling.

“For you sir.” His smile is way too big. “I hope you enjoy.” He sung in some sort of rhythm.

“Well, thank you very much.” I nodded forcibly, and off he went with a slight dance, shaking to the beat of the music playing from the speakers. Gosh, if only I knew what went on in his brain.

Back to the plugged-up ears, is it something important or is it just something to distract themselves from existing? Right? Like maybe they too have the question of existing and they took to distraction? Maybe. Or maybe they magically found some purpose for their lives that which they are just in middle of following and lest you disturb their perfectly sorted thing that has them going? Like that’s always an option nowadays.

“Ouch” the coffee is hot. I put it back on the table.

“Oy” my heart sank. Right ahead on the sidewalk there is a young child crying to her mother. Gosh, he looked miserable. But should I be comforted? I thought. Comforted that I’m not the only one that feels the pain of time itself? I don’t know, just a thought that came to mind. It’s kind of cute though, the child is trying to say something, probably to explain his tears, the tears that are rolling all over his small face. He’s just so overwhelmed with whatever has just happened to him.

“Hahaha” “look at this” I look back at a group of young friends laughing together at the nearby table. They look happy, maybe existence itself is laughter? Or maybe existence must be joined with other people? You know, it could be that I’m the looser that is not with a group of teenagers laughing about some bit on tik-tock. That could be, right?

My eyes wonder again once again and they catch sight of a car draped in white with a big bow on the front. The car was clearly carrying a couple that just got married. This smile forced onto my face as I see them pass. That’s definitely something, I think. Is that the way to exist in this world? Is that the grand happiness we are all looking for? But what even is it about it that seems so worthwhile? Is it sex? Is sex the antidote of existing? I do know some people say that, from the hedonistic groups even to the great evolutionary biologists. But could that be?

Maybe it’s just another distraction like the third cigarette I just started? I don’t know, but no, marriage definitely seems like something more. There’s marriage, love, commitment, building a future together, there’s a lot more happening there.

Well, I finished my coffee. I liked it. What was it? Was it my tongue that liked the taste? My brain that liked the caffeine? Or my whole mouth and pallet that liked some sort of strongness and heat? Or maybe I liked it since it was something else besides my thoughts. Oh, maybe existing mut be doing anything but thinking? But then, why do we have thoughts?

Anyway, now it’s getting dark and I just finished my fourth cigarette. I start to feel some tiredness with a slight touch of hunger, in addition to my dry throat.

It could be, I think one last time, that all of this isn’t even real but just some passing thoughts. Maybe it’s some afternoon imbalance of some invisible chemicals in my brain. Or about my job, can that be? Yea I kind of just lost my job.

Oh, here he comes again, still in his blissful trance. Why don’t I become a waiter? Who knows, maybe I can get that trance too.

“You need anything else sir?” His smile makes his mouth open so wide that I can see his yellowed teeth.

“Maybe some of your happiness.” I smiled, I wondered how he would react to that.

“Oh” he laughed, “I’m so happy... well happiness comes from within. You must find it in yourself, you know?... What makes you happy sir?”

I’m kind of regretting asking him now, as I can see that he will go on and on with a speech.

“That’s a true point” I stood up, while looking in his eyes, making as if I was thinking deeply in his words. “I think all have to ponder about that one.” I started walking away and told him thank you.

“Well come back anytime and I would love to hear your thoughts sir.” He stood raised on his toes.

Right, of course he would, I thank him again as I walk out.

Gosh, that wasn’t necessary, I sigh as I get out onto the street.

Right, about my job, would I say I lost it or that I quit? I was thinking of quitting for a while now, but the fact is this afternoon I was fired pretty point blank. I would have felt better if I can say that I quit. It does sound more identity positive than negative. But whatever the case, a man with no job I am. Am I anything now? Do I have something to call for my identity? Anything to justify my existence for you?

Yea, I’m not so sure about that one.

But is that it? Do you really think that? That that all? Are you saying that existence must be joined with a job? I’ll wonder again if that’s natural or it’s also just another distraction from existence?

But I know what you’ll say, I think as I start walking back to my old flat. Probably something like “Don’t think so much and just get your shit together. Get a job, get married, buy a nice fat house, and have children of your own.” Yea I know, all the stuff that normal people do.

I will have to admit, I laugh, as I turn up onto my street, it does sound pretty attractive. I really does, I imagine myself at the wedding canopy, then at the birth of a child looking into my child’s eyes. “My child” I catch, such an interesting thing that we can have in this world.

My head is heavy as I look up at the red colored sky. Definitely a beautiful sky we got.

I don’t know, I think as I unlock the front door, maybe I too can create something beautiful out of my existence?